Sep

30

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

Why can’t people READ?

I’m talking about the idiots who take medication (or give it to their kids!) without bothering to look at the box, let alone read the instructions:

Stupid story 1

It says ALL OVER THE BOX that co-codamol contains paracetamol. She took it for six months without ever noticing!

Stupid story 2

The pharmacist was of course wrong wrong wrong but still. EYE. EAR. TWO DIFFERENT WORDS.

I feel so tired… so tired…

Sep

6

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

For once I don’t solely blame the driver

Speeding motorbike vs.car

Just watch that video. The biker was going at 97mph on a 60 road! He didn’t even see the car until it was too late (and shrieked), no wonder the car didn’t see him either.

Maybe the driver just didn’t look (after all he did lose his licence) but “Think Bike” is neither here nor there in this situation. People just do not have the eyesight of a peregrine falcon and a speeding car would likely have crashed into him too.

I watched the video several times, and even knowing what’s coming I cannot see the car until the very last second – and a car is much bigger than a motorbike. Even without looking, the car would have had plenty of time to turn if the biker had been following the speed limit.

The biker should have slowed down when approaching a junction too, but I suppose that was too much to ask.

And all his mother can say to excuse his behaviour is “He loved speed”?! Please, he was 38, not 18. Come on.

She even says “I just hope that somebody benefits from it, that motorists slow down” and sadly the irony of it just totally passes her by. Also, what happens if motorists love speed too?

Aug

4

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

We own the New York skyline, bitch.

So says the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey. Apparently any depiction of said skyline could “evoke thoughts of the Port Authority, the twin towers, W.T.C. and the September 11th terrorist attacks.”

And we really don’t want that to happen, do we, boys and girls? Clearly, all that though-evoking can only be a bad thing. It’s not at all insane to think that way. Nope.

What can I say? I like to live dangerously.

What can I say? I like to live dangerously

Apr

22

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

What bloody language?

Victoria Coren Mitchell, annoying leftie extraordinaire, won a poker tournament on Easter Sunday. She immediately took to Twitter, as you do:

twitter1

Then for some reason she panicked and posted this:

twitter2

“Sorry for that language on Easter Sunday”? What is the nitwit on about? Does she apologise to Muslims and Jews every time she has a bacon sandwich? Unlikely.

So what is the meaning of this random attempt at political correctness? If she cares so much about not antagonising Christians, how about not boasting about gambling on Easter Sunday in the first place! Frankly, mild swearing should be the least of her worries. But that’s the problem with the professionally right on: engaging the brain is usually a last resort.

Also, ‘bloody’ is hardly offensive these days. If Ron Weasley can say it approximately one million times in the Harry Potter series, Victoria probably will not burn in hell just yet.

Dec

26

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

I think I speak for everyone when I say “Huh?”

The other day we received a Christmas card addressed to the previous owners. We moved into this house in April 2008.

I just don’t understand why these people bothered to send a card if they know so little about the would-be recipients. They even got the house number wrong!

But never mind, let’s turn back to the really important things in life:

Ron, you're making it snow

“Ron, you’re making it snow”

Nov

5

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

No good deed goes unpunished

Man finds a lot of money, hands it to the police, gets shafted.

…and the police station’s Christmas party is off to a good start. Noël! Noël!

“Mr Justice Lewis said the careful sorting of the notes into bundles of one denomination meant they were ‘unlikely to be the profits of legitimate cash trading’.”

Are these people for real? Has this guy never seen a cash till before? What on earth does he think his Coutts bank manager does with his savings?

Oh.

Oh

Oct

2

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

I’d have them all eaten by Thestrals

Traveller arseholes live up to their reputation yet again

Poor thing. And as for the poor sod who got his car totalled, well it’s all part of Ireland’s rich cultural tapestry, right?

The thing is, those inbred bastards always swear up and down they “love” their horses, that having horses is their ancestral tradition, blah blah bullshit. You just have to look at pics of travellers riding or driving their pony and traps: ill-fitting (and therefore painful) bits and tack everywhere, not to mention zero riding/driving skills and a complete disregard for horse welfare.

They know fuck all about horses and care even less but it’s so picturesque, isn’t it? Bring on the next C4 documentary on the Appleby horse fair!

Note to bint: If half the bit pops out of the horse's mouth, IT'S TOO BIG.

Note to bint: If half the bit is popping out of the horse’s mouth, IT’S TOO BIG. And what’s all that crap around his neck, anyway? Call this a bridle?

Do notice the high quality of the bridle.

Do notice the high quality of the tack… the horsemanship is strong in this one

Get a moped!

I think a moped would be more your style

WTF is going on here? And give your mother her garter belt back.

Just WTF is going on here?

I also do not FUCKING BELIEVE the video in this article. DO. NOT. BELIEVE. I’m still shaking.

And this is allowed to happen because…? Oh yes,the tapestry. I forgot.

Words fail me.

Words fail me

Sep

25

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

Pompeii and Circumstance

Dear British Museum,

Don’t get me wrong, your exhibition Life and death in Pompeii and Herculaneum was excellent. It is quite impressive to see these hugely famous artefacts for real at last.

pompeii_portrait
pompeii_snake

(love the snake!)

pompeii_dog1
pompeii_dog2

Although I wonder whether you were a tiny little bit unprepared for just how rib-crushingly popular it would turn out to be. Because that’s certainly the impression I got.

This is how the day went: first we queued outside the Reading Room (tickets already booked and paid for, of course). Groups of people were let in every ten minutes – our tickets were for 11.40am. Someone checked our names against their list and let us in, waving us without a word towards another queue inside the building. So we queued some more, without quite knowing why.

It soon became clear that this was the queue for the audio guides, which would have been fine except that they cost £4.50 per person! I find this extra expense a bit steep, not to mention the inconvenience of having to queue twice on the day. When we went to the Harry Potter studio tour, I was able to book the audio guide online as part of my ticket and only had to present the ticket at the counter to be given the guide (it was also nowhere near £4.50).

Even the app had to be paid for: £1.99 for smartphones, £3.99 for the iPad. God forbid that something should be included in the ticket price.

Having bypassed any and all attempts to part us with even more of our money (temporarily, since I was acutely aware that the gift shop was awaiting us at the other end), we finally entered the Reading Room.

It looked nothing like this.

It looked nothing like this

They had erected dozens of partitions to create rooms and the whole place was pitch black, apart from the brightly lit display cases, statues and mosaics. As soon as we went through the doors we had to go up a flight of stairs, at the top of which was the first display window on a small landing and the accompanying text panels on the wall, at hip level. Guess what happened next..

We all gathered around it like wasps around strawberry jam, trying to see the exhibits between the heads of the 11.30am group who were still there, whilst attempting to read the text on the wall between their arses. We then got sandwiched between them and the 11.50am group who turned up not long after.

Since most people had bought an audio guide (indispensable for most foreign visitors as the text was in English only), they stood right in front of the exhibits blocking the view until all the relevant information had been disgorged into their ears, which meant the bottleneck never eased up. This happened throughout the exhibition and got very annoying.

We finally moved on to the next bits, which turned out to be a little film followed by a timeline of the disaster on the wall. Both of these were interesting and, more to the point, easy to see. Then it was room after room full of fascinating stuff and even more full of people. Since all the little text panels next to the display cases were at hip level, it was very difficult to read them. How on earth did the organisers not anticipate this?

Also, no attempt was made to guide the visitors through the rooms so as to make the crowds flow a bit better. Some people were going clockwise, others anti-clockwise. This caused more chaos as we all stopped to see the same things and then tried to move on into oncoming traffic.

There was one irritating man who clearly thought he had VIP status and constantly tried to hurry everyone up by saying “Excuse me! Excuse me!” in increasingly exasperated tones, as if we should all make room for him. I don’t think so, muppet.

It was so busy we plain missed a room! They were not numbered and without the audio guide to alert us, it was very easy to walk straight past a doorway without noticing. So we never saw the carbonised crib:

Jupiter  only knows what else was in that room. Sob.

Jupiter only knows what else was in that room. Sniff

How incredibly modern is the design, by the way? I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I saw it in IKEA.

Uncanny.

Uncanny

The jewellery was also to die for; those Romans certainly loved their snakes! How refreshing. I also fell in love with every single mosaic/fresco/clay oil lamp/etc… honestly, I was born way too late.

I spotted a slight obsession with phalluses too. They were pretty much everywhere, like Hello Kitty today (and yet, strangely enough, no phallus-themed souvenirs were available in the shop).

And then we turned a corner and hit the plaster casts of dying people, which was pretty sobering.

Bloody hell.

Bloody hell

The contrast with the gift shop was a bit jarring, to say the least. Speaking of which, how come half of this stuff wasn’t available in the shop?! My wallet is very thankful though.

I did get this:

The website says "for children", but what do they know?

The website says “for children”. Pah! What do they know?

So, all in all, it was a fantastic exhibition. Well done, BM. Only next time, how about some decent crowd control, huh?

This is how it's done.

This is how it’s done

Sep

12

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

Can’t win them all

house_cup

And Hufflepuff worked very hard for this one so it’s fully deserved. Well done Puffs!

Although we didn’t do so badly ourselves…

Aug

20

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through

Stephen Fry thinks the French are a better-educated race than the British.

First of all, the French are not a race. Neither are the British. It never ceases to amaze me how much Lefties love that word. But never mind.

Unless I’m very much mistaken, Stephen Fry knows next to nothing about the French education system. He was educated in England and has no child currently at school in France. He’s only basing his remarks on one study, which is hazardous at best – but knowing nothing about a topic has never stopped Stephen from inflicting his opinion on us in the past, so why should he start now?

He may have a point about French primary schoolchildren knowing more than their British counterparts, but what he’s missing is that this state of affairs is all due to relentless rote learning, one-size-fits-all teaching methods and much stricter discipline than in British schools. Sadly, it appears nothing has changed since I was at school.

A French primary school, today.

A French primary school, today

He says

“A lot of it is at the right age, somehow getting that gear, that cog fitting that excites a child, that makes them feel pleased with themselves for achieving and for knowing.”

Yes, that would be nice but that’s not the way they go about it in France. I don’t remember feeling pleased with myself for “achieving and knowing”, but for not getting detention at school and a bollocking at home if I got a bad mark. French kids have no interest in learning anything that isn’t marked by the teacher, because it’s worth nothing to them and is a waste of brainpower.

He’s also not realising that all this knowledge is acquired at the expense of creativity and self-expression. No one cares what pupils think or what they are capable of creating. They’re at school to fill their heads with other people’s thoughts then regurgitate them at exam time, and that’s it. It’s the same at primary school, secondary school and even higher education level.

If Fry had gone through the French education system himself, he could never have learned to act by joining the Footlights at university as there would have been no Footlights to join. In order to write his novels, he would have had to learn writing techniques on his own, as an adult, as there would have been no Creative Writing classes to attend. And so on and so forth.

Of course, there is no University Challenge in France either. As if.

Of course, there is no University Challenge in France either. As if.

Yes, the French education system produces people with a good smattering of general knowledge, but it doesn’t produce good all-rounders. Anything physical is neglected at best and despised at worst and woe betide the pupil who has different learning needs, as streaming is banned in the name of equality. As I said earlier, one size fits all and if it doesn’t fit you, you are made to feel a failure.

Since Stephen has spoken at length about how much of a gifted outcast he was at his English public school, I wonder how he would have fared in the strict French system where individuals matter even less. Not too well, I suspect.

Aug

9

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

My birthday cake deserves its own post

text

Does this person look familiar to you?

It's just like being in the Potions dungeon

It’s just like being down in the Potions dungeon, isn’t it?

He's even more terrifying in the cold light of day

Professor Snape is even more terrifying in the cold light of day. Those eyes!

Oh Severus, you have such a way with words.

Oh Severus, you have such a way with words

text

Such presence… *shivers*

text

Hmmm… looks like Polyjuice to me

text

I even get my own owl! Sitting on my own spellbook! My life is complete

text

Textbook slice, if I say so myself

text

Yes, it’s a big cake. Yes, there are only two of us. Your point?

Jun

21

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

Your jaw will drop or your money back (if you have a receipt)

Honestly, same-sex marriage rights are wasted on some people.

Two Canadian brides had the nerve to criticise and insult a guest for their choice of wedding present (a food hamper).

The Daily Mail kindly provided a picture of the offending hamper:

Hamper

Now, it does look a bit cheap for a wedding (I would expect pretty jars, not sweets and crisp packets) but this is Canada. They don’t have Harrods or Fortnum and Mason’s there, poor lambs. Not the point though – you don’t complain about a gift!! And you certainly don’t ask for a lot of money instead!!!

Those bints are “of Italian and Croatian descent” apparently and say things like “I’m European and in my culture blah blah blah”, which real Europeans would never say since ‘European’ is not a nationality and there are dozens of wildly different cultures within Europe. That kind of crap annoys me more than anything. You want Italian or Croatian wedding gifts, go have your gay wedding there!

Oh wait… you can’t. Duh.

As for the mysterious gluten intolerance that comes and goes when it’s convenient to the ‘sufferer’ and allows them to be massively rude to others, all I can say is I’ve been there, only with asthma instead. As somebody once said, you want sympathy? It’s in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

May

19

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

The coolest thing on the internet

I don’t think anyone can ever top this.

Seriously, don’t even try. Especially you, women.

May

7

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

It’s not called “Guitar Heroine” for a reason

So, scientists have finally discovered something I’ve known since I was a teenager (from being on the receiving end of it): men are seen as more attractive by women if they play (or are merely seen carrying) a guitar, but this doesn’t work the other way around.

Yeah. But no.

Well, duh.

And the reason for it is obvious: most women are impressed by a guy who can do something they can’t, especially something artistic, but most men resent it if a girl can do something they can’t. After all, how can they hope to impress her now?

And if the guitar-playing girl isn’t the one they’re interested in, it’s even worse: she’s attracting attention that belongs to them!

Trying too hard, dear.

Trying too hard, dear

The funny thing is, even male musicians react that way if (female) you brought your instrument to the party and they didn’t. Before you know it, they ask to borrow it… and don’t give it back. Within seconds, girls who showed zero interest when you were playing start flocking around them as if by magic. And when you try to get your guitar back after a solid 45 minutes of horrible jazz (yeah, they always play jazz. I hate jazz), it’s the girls who give you the stink eye and/or complain loudly that you’re interrupting the wonderful concert! Some of those girls have been known to include your best friend!

(… and breathe)

Plus, the guitar mystique only works on a man, really. A woman with a guitar just looks awkward, probably because she knows she doesn’t look sexy. Look at the top pic in that article, no girl could carry that off. When I was young and going to music lessons, I just felt embarrassed lugging that huge guitar case around. I’m sure a boy would have burst with pride.

Women on the other hand look good playing the piano. It’s posh, it’s elegant, it’s refined. It’s just not cool.

Suddenly, men love you

But who cares? Suddenly, men love you!

There’s also the harp. Now that is a quintessentially female instrument. Very, very few harpists are male, but then that’s probably because you can’t nonchalantly sling a harp over your shoulder and go off to be the life and soul of the campfire.

I am being reliably informed by an actual man that a girl holding a violin or cello does look sexy. Yup, until she starts playing it. The violin gives you a double chin and the cello… well, the legs akimbo playing position is hardly the prettiest, is it?

Interestingly, when looking for pictures of women playing the piano, I found quite a few showing a woman tickling the ivories whilst a man stares at her in admiration. Search for pics of a woman playing the guitar, however, and the male admirers suddenly disappear. Also, half of the girls in the more arty pics are clearly just holding the instrument and couldn’t play a note to save their lives. Pfft.

Apr

27

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

And Slytherin does it again

house_cup

I’m afraid I can’t take much credit for this one. I don’t brew much anymore (stupid work getting in the way) and I’m crap at duelling as my cordless mouse is a bit sluggish. Still, yay us!

Mar

26

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

We’re surrounded by idiots

Those who can’t create, destroy

I don’t usually believe in ignoring the law but that little cabin is on private land in the middle of nowhere, was built out of natural materials and doesn’t even have any foundations! It’s basically a shed (albeit a very pretty one).

I just hope they’re not planning on baking triangular flapjacks in there, or the world would surely end.

Councils just hate it when people show self-sufficiency, don’t they? If this couple had asked for planning permission, it would have been refused for some flimsy reason (harmful to the ‘rural character of the locality’?! ‘Not essential to provide accommodation for an agricultural or forestry worker’?!). So why bother?

From the comments: “If this house is torn down I hope the council are going to provide this family with alternate housing because they will have made them homeless.”

Too right. So the council wants to feel needed, does it? Well, now’s the time to deliver – and that council house had better be a lot nicer than this one. Good luck with that.

Mar

9

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

Dave’s words of bullshit

What is this? No, seriously, what is this?

Wisdom, huh? This tragic crap makes a Hallmark greeting card sound like Schopenhauer.

Some of those gems are unintentionally funny though. This one should really be sung to a disco beat by a man in drag. And I had to smile at that one… I, too, used to love Chumbawamba.

#Oh Danny boy, Danny boy, Danny boy…#

What? I’m random! And crazy!

Nov

21

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

Highway robbery

Pottermore House Cup results

Pissed off Slytherins

You’d better not get used to it Potter, that’s all I’m saying

Oct

18

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

What’s wrong with these pictures?

Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast

Clue: it’s cold, it’s liquid and there isn’t much of it. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

YES! That’s right, my problem is with the tiny, usually half-filled, mockery-of-a-refreshment glass of orange juice one always gets as part of a hotel continental breakfast. And you can’t generally ask for a refill either, unlike with tea or coffee. No provision is ever made for those of us who don’t like hot beverages but need to drink at least two decently-sized glasses of something cold in order to be able to eat.

Considering the juice is usually straight out of a cheapo carton anyway – I can tell from the slightly uriney taste – I’m not sure why they’re so miserly with it. Yes, it costs more than tea or coffee but we’re hardly talking Tropicana prices.

I can still remember those dreadful breakfasts when I was young, at guide camp or on any kind of school outing, where all I had to drink was water as the only two options were café au lait or hot chocolate. It was stomach-turning but since there was nothing else to drink I didn’t have much of a choice. Not a good way to start the day. On top of that, I had to put up with everyone staring at me as if I were an alien (not liking hot drinks makes you a pariah everywhere you go). Sigh.

So now I bring my own juice to B&Bs and have a nice swig in the room before coming down to breakfast – and the only reason I bother having breakfast is because it’s already paid for. In hotels I skip the overpriced breakfast altogether (and why is it served so early anyway? I’m on holiday, dammit! But that is another rant for another day).

Oct

15

By nightowl

2 Comments

Categories: Miscellaneous

It’s square, it’s yellow, it’s in your car…

…but it’s not a SpongeBob SquarePants soft toy, more’s the pity.

Baby On Board signs cause accidents

Well stop selling the damn things then. I loathe them; they are huge, hideous, smug, useless and create blind spots for drivers.

That woman is talking out of her bottom by the way:

‘Baby On Board’ signs are useful in alerting the emergency services that a child may be involved in the event of a crash,” said Julie Townsend, deputy chief executive of the charity, Brake.

Rubbish. Emergency services regularly deny that they even look at the things as they are trained to search for children regardless. How many parents bother to remove the carbuncle when their kid isn’t in the car anyway? None. The ones who said they did in the article are almost certainly lying. Why would they remove them? They’re still ***A PARENT*** and that’s what needs to be advertised to the world, isn’t it? As for other drivers being extra careful around their oh-so-precious offspring, honestly, who gives a shit? My life is precious too but who’s being extra careful around me?

The very fact that Loud Chav (one of our less savoury neighbours) who yells at and insults his wife in front of their little girl on a regular basis has a “Little Princess On Board” sign in his car tells me all I need to know about what kind of parent he is.

The things are novelty items, full stop. It’s rather ridiculous that a charity is peddling an urban myth, although my cynicism towards charities and their self-serving ways increases by the day.

Sep

27

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

You tell’em, Barack

Barack Obama

Sep

20

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

They just can’t help themselves, can they?

Priest, schoolchildren and cream… yup, this should end well

WTF?? And the parents back him up too!

Reminds me of the French priest back in the Nineties who took his little ‘scout’ troop (which was not affiliated with any official movement) sailing in horrible weather with no safety measures whatsoever, causing several teenagers to drown. He of course ended up in court, with the dead kids’ parents running a campaign for the “holy man” to be released without charge!

“To be deprived of our dear Abbé in these painful hours is perhaps a loss even more painful than that of our children” said Dominique Buchet, father of one of the drowned teenagers, 13-year-old Antoine.

Sometimes you just can’t tell Catholicism from a cult. Maybe that’s the point.

Jul

27

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

I wish all British TV chefs could read this

Eating in England is exasperating

Especially the ones who keep repeating “it’s just not true that British food is bad, these days there are wonderful British-grown ingredients and produce everywhere and there are Michelin-starred restaurants all over the UK”, etc etc.

They’re totally missing the point. Of course there’s great stuff here – like there is everywhere – and your palate will be in heaven… if you can cook it all yourself or afford the best restaurants. If, on the other hand, you rely on ordinary British people, even professional (but not Michelin-starred) chefs to feed you, well… it’s miss and miss. Sorry, I meant hit and miss.

Love the pics in the post. They totally capture the blandness, stodginess and boringness of “traditional British food”, cooked in the easiest, laziest, least imaginative way, showing no interest whatsoever in adding a bit of wow factor or even, let’s go crazy, flavour. Not even a tiny sprinkle of chopped parsley on the carrots? And check out the thickness of those slices!

Amusingly, British TV chefs are always going on about wonderful French and Italian dishes containing “only a couple of ingredients cooked very simply”. Yes, but they’re still very tasty and don’t look like a culinary punishment either. And that’s exactly what the Brits can’t do!

No contest

Maybe there’s just not enough demand for appetising food though. Only in this country have I heard so many people say almost proudly “food is only fuel to me”, as if enjoying the act of eating were a sin. It’s like living in Babette’s Feast, but with more chips.

When I was working as an au pair, my employer once cooked some mash for her daughter and me. She boiled the potatoes, mashed them up and served them. No butter, milk or anything else. It was like eating warm cement and I had stomach ache for hours afterwards. It was unpleasant to say the least. The little girl ate the lot without batting an eyelid.

People always find it weird that I love Indian food so much, but can you blame me when the alternative is so utterly sad, not to mention vastly overpriced most of the time?

Jul

7

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

What it bloody says on the tin

Yesterday, this happy Slytherin (see previous post) read the following notification on Pottermore:

“Congratulations on winning the inaugural Pottermore House Cup. As part of your reward, you will be able to explore the first chapters of HARRY POTTER and the Chamber of Secrets before members of other houses.”

OK, cool 🙂

On the Pottermore Insider blog, they also specified that “only students who were in Slytherin when the inaugural Pottermore House Cup was awarded, will get early access.”

Sounds clear enough, yes? Obviously not for some people. I just read a reader’s comment on a fellow snake’s blog, saying (I’m paraphrasing)

“Wait, they said only Slytherin accounts that existed when the House Cup was awarded will get the reward. Does that mean ‘people who were logged in at that precise time’ or ‘people who already had an account when the ceremony occurred’?”

Well, what on earth was confusing about the original announcement? If the Pottermore people meant ‘logged in’ they would have said ‘logged in’, right? Words have meaning, especially technical words.

I come across this kind of strange attitude (“they said A so does that mean A or B”?) on a regular basis and I just can’t understand why. It seems there are people out there who absolutely insist on second-guessing everything and making life as complicated as possible. Not sure what they get out of it, apart from headaches…

Jul

5

By nightowl

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Categories: Miscellaneous

Slytherin Pride

Now this is what I call a victory:

Pottermore House Cup results

And no last-minute points for Gryffindor this time

Severus is delighted!

Snape clapping