What in the name of fuck?

Some years ago, a female orangutan was rescued from a Borneo prostitute village (sic) where she was being used as a novelty sex slave.


The worst thing is, the villagers probably captured another baby female to replace her as soon as the rescuers left. Let’s not even talk about the fact that ‘prostitute villages’ even exist or that men would pay to have sex with a shaved orangutan.

Meanwhile, everyone’s up in arms because Donald Trump said something about shithole countries… well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day, isn’t it?

What was that thing about beggars and choosers again?

A French charity is collecting material donations for the migrants in Calais. Their list of urgently needed items includes unlocked mobile phones and their chargers and clothes and shoes in men’s sizes. I think that says a lot…

If you look at the complete list in French, they even specify boxers – not briefs – and trainers – preferably black. They are not interested in toys or children’s clothing as they have “too many”. There’s also a small list of women’s items but it hasn’t been translated into English (unlike the men’s items) so clearly isn’t a priority.

So my question is: where do the Guardian find those children and families who are supposedly living rough in Calais and whose pictures they keep taking to illustrate their many articles?

Oh, and apparently some Lycamobile Sim cards and fire extinguishers would be welcome too. You know, the kind of thing you just have lying around.

Meanwhile, the food list includes smoked paprika, olive oil, fresh chillies, honey, Cayenne pepper (in addition to regular pepper), tahini and Indian saffron (!!!). These are some seriously well-fed migrants. Will Jay Rayner be reviewing the Calais Canteen, I wonder?

Donation suggestion (but don’t forget to cover up the word ‘Christmas’ on the pudding label)

Food as punishment

I was just browsing a forum and came across a post which made my head spin: an American woman was complaining that her friend’s fruit salad was unpalatable as it had too much mayonnaise in it.

Mayonnaise. In fruit salad. Mayonnaise.

No. Just no.
No. Just no.

I read the post four times, thinking my eyes were deceiving me. Then I reminded myself that American taste buds are slightly different from European ones, to say the least. So I did a bit of research and found this recipe which appears to be totally genuine.

Celery, pineapple, walnuts, tinned tuna, grapes, salad, apples, mayonnaise/salad dressing and dates stuffed with peanut butter. Serve with hot soup and rolls.

It sounds absolutely horrendous to me. Just because you happen to have all these things in your pantry does not mean they belong together!

Still, it’s nowhere near as bad as Elvis Presley’s “Fool’s Gold” sandwich:

1. Coat a loaf of Italian bread in butter.
2. Bake it.
3. Hollow out the loaf.
4. Fill it with an entire jar of smooth peanut butter and an entire jar of jam.
5. Finally, stuff it with a pound of crispy bacon.
Serves 8-10 (or one Elvis).

I have no words.
I have no words